How to treat the Dutch, English version.

1. Is it Holland, the Netherlands or Dutch?

First, you are probably not in Holland but in "Nederland".

Holland is merely the name for the two provinces that have the most Dutch people in them.
There is a Noordholland in the north and a Zuidholland in the -you guessed it- south.
The word "Dutch" reminds a Nederlander of the word "Duits" which is a word for Germans, who are not like the Dutch at all.
Or Hollanders for that matter.

To make a long story short, the Dutch don't care much what you call them as long as you keep spending your money.

2. Which Dutch words should I learn before coming to the Netherlands?

None.

Never try to speak Dutch, not even if you have lived in the Netherlands for more than five years.

Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also no Dutchman

will have any idea what you are trying to say.

Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish.

Speaking gibberish, they are an easy prey for pickpockets because they can't make a decent report to the police.

Every Dutchman speaks English.

Upon occasion, you will overhear people using words which sound

like Dutch but actually make some sense to you. These people

will be British or German tourists.

3. What is "Drop"?

Drop is a kind of liquorice that only the Dutch can eat.

It can be recognized by its color: black.

To foreigners the taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.

All the Dutch absolutely love it and eat kilos of the vile stuff.

If you like to eat this, you are a Dutchman.

There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners

who are tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Where can I buy those cute wooden shoes?

Just about everywhere but please don't, they'll look absolutely

silly on you.

Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first

place.

A Dutchman himself wouldn't want to be found dead in them.

5. Shall I be safe behind the dikes?

Yes, we haven't had a major flood in ...oh two weeks.

No honest, you'll be quite safe.

A word of caution: Do not try to make holes in dikes.

Behavior like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can

get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob.

You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like.

It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

Mind you, some dikes are notoriously short on having a sense of humor.

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6. I cant seem to reason with any Dutchman, why is that ?

A Dutchman is always right and he knows it.

With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them.

If ever you get into an argument with a Dutchman, tell him that he is

absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.

This will drive him absolutely crazy:

Since you are a foreigner you can't be right.

You agree with him.

Therefore he also cannot be right.

Impossible! He is Dutch!

But.. why.. he..aaaaarrrrgglll..

At this point you may want to stand back a little and watch him try to

strangle himself with a tulip.

7. Do I have to show an interest in Tulips, wooden shoes, windmills or cheese?

No that is not necessary.

Every Dutchman knows that you came for the soft drugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes.

Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find.

Ask any Dutchman age six or older or look at www.ignatzmice.com.

I'd like to point out that the windmills and wooden shoes

prove a desire for, or dependency on, tourism.

Natives in the Netherlands put up with tourists, even welcome tourists,

but do not *need* tourists and will explain this at length.

8. Do you have any tips on visiting Dutch soccer games?

Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost.

Soccer in the Netherlands is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains

of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won.

.Or lost....Or if it is a draw.

It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these

festivities.

9. Is the Dutch police any good?

The police play an important role in the Dutch social life

because they are used for throwing things at.

If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman.

No Dutchman will pay any attention if you decide to hit or maim

a policeman or kick him hard in the groin.

Police represent authority and no Dutchman recognizes any

authority higher than himself.

You may also notice that a lot of Dutch policemen are in fact

foreigners tricked into taking the job.

Police are also very good crime indicators, they can always be found in areas that have no- or very, very little- chance of having any crime.

10. Is it true that the Dutch don't like to spend money?

Definitely!

They'd sooner cut off their own ear than spend an extra cent.

A Dutchman will become a friend for life if you give him something

for free.

(Note: Social diseases are an exception)

The story that copper wire is an invention of two Dutchmen

fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

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11. Are the Dutch bothered by the small size of their country?

O no, not at all.

Indeed, the Netherlands are very small.

There is even a rumor that the country is put inside during rainstorms.

Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year.

(This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float.)

The Dutch are proud of their country.

They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation

has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

12. How do I insult a Dutchman?

If you wish to insult a Dutchman -and sooner or later you

will- simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist.

Now immediately start to run for your life!

He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he

won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over

the floor.

13. Are the Dutch really that tolerant?

No, they are not.

They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and

hard-drugs, Malaysian women, weapons and pornography to foreigners

to let a good opportunity for making huge profits go by.

14. How is the public transportation in the Netherlands?

Because of its small size, the main form of public transportation

in the Netherlands is a bike.

Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock.

(An art learned by Dutch children before the age of 3)

However, don't expect your own bike to be where you left it three

minutes earlier.

The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year.

Have fun.

15. What is this small vicious looking blade I find at every meal?

It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin

(the see-through kind) slices of the cheese.

It was the Norwegian Thor Bjørklund who invented the kaasschaaf and the Dutch quickly seized the idea and refined the use of it to an extremely fine art practiced with an almost zen-like concentration.

Never try to cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool

of yourself.

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16. What is a "patatje met"?

the Dutch like to drown fried potato's in liters of mayonnaise

and put it in small paper bags.

This is called "een patatje met".

The best "patatje met" can be bought in Rotterdam at Bram Ladage.

(Tell them I sent you)

One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period.

Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living.

Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

17. What is with these coffee shops I seem to come across in every street?

O dear..

There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of

yourself in the Netherlands:

Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino with apple-pie.

Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee.

(actually, most do but they'd rather sell you something else)

You can get a good number of other stimulating things there.

18. What is a "Fries"?

A Fries (pronounced FREECE) is a semi-detached sort of Dutchman,

living in the north of the country in a province all for himself.

A Fries is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Dutchmen that they are -indeed- not Fries.

The rest of the Dutch look upon this behavior with the good

natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an obstinate child.

19. What books should I read about the Netherlands?

None, this website is more than enough.

However I can recommend you take these books with you if you come to the Netherlands: The complete works of William Shakespeare or a

leather-bound volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica

(the 1913 copy: Fr to He).

In my experience these two books have just about the right weight for

clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any

lasting scars.

After hitting you may want to drop the book you were carrying at

the moment for a more speedy retreat.

Note: Bring plenty of books.

20. Where can I hire a car?

Do not bother to hire one.

Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic

in the Netherlands is not something you will enjoy.

In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or

kilometers, Dutch traffic jams are measured in weeks.

As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth

a tourist visit.

The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite

uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.

You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car windows.

The resulting fights are often worth watching.

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21. I'd like to take my mother-in-law to the Netherlands, can I?

Well...yes of course, but why would .. Ah, I see!

Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law

to the Netherlands for do-it-yourself euthanasia.

Dutch euthanasia laws may be the most liberal on earth but

tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own hands.

22. Please?

No!

23. Why are there so many churches in the Netherlands?

Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of

all honest politicians, in the Netherlands you are likely to run into a

church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking.

Dutch people are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways

of life and religious convictions.

They are not.

The only reason for there being so many different churches, sects

and cults is the fact that the Dutch disagree on just about anything.

A Dutchman is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks

different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.

24. So, is the Netherlands a republic or a monarchy?

the Netherlands are a kingdom. (There is a difference there)

It has no king but a queen and her husband was no king but a prince.

The queen doesn't rule the country -well, not much anyway- but she

is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries.

She is also very decorative at state banquets.

Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops

erm.. queening.

The queens husband was not a king but a prince but the crown prince's wife will be a queen as soon as he is a king.

Their daughter however will be queen but her husband...o what the heck.

On April the 30th its Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the

queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother

(who used to be the queen).

Confused? Well, so are we.

25. How come there are so many famous Dutch painters?

The short answer is, because of the Dutch polders.

Polders are boring places... very, very boring places.

They consist of lots of flat nothing with cows in it.

The only places to have a bit of fun is

(a) inside your own head (drugs) or

(b) on a bit of canvas with a nice nude model (painting).

Most Dutch painters get to be famous only after they have died.

That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics point of view.

Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man has got

to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers.

The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are unable

to do anything about it.

In at least one case the frustration has led to self-mutilation

involving an ear.

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26. Is the Dutch healthcare any good?

Do not get sick in the Netherlands!

Over the last ten years, the famous Dutch healthcare has been

privatized.

These days some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting

list of more than six months.

The doctors don't think that is a problem because, they say, half

of the patient never even bother to show up after six months anyway.

Some Dutch patients who have become desperate, move to a

country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is

infinitely better and waiting lists much shorter.

27. Is it o.k. to drink the Dutch tap water?

Yes, Dutch tap water is completely safe to drink.

This is quite remarkable considering that most drinking water comes

from polluted rivers like the Rhine.

Plans to improve the quality of the river water, so that fish like

salmon will return to Dutch rivers to spawn, can count on strong resistance from the Dutch.

They don't like the idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.

28. Should I worry about high crime-rates in the Netherlands?

No problems there, the Netherlands have a very low crime index.

The reason for this is not that the Dutch are not as criminal as others but in the Netherlands fewer things are considered a crime.

This not only generates interesting new forms of income but it also

saves on the workload of the police and our justice department.

The only crime that is severely punished is speeding in your car.

Exceeding the speed limit with only a few kilometers per hour is

good for a considerable speeding ticket.

29. Do the Dutch have nationalistic feelings?

Some do.

They will point out to you that the Netherlands have finished second in almost every war they have fought.

Further more, the Dutch national football team has won more

medals for runner-up than any other nation.

Even if the Dutch failed to win more Olympic Gold Medals than any other nation, they at least have the satisfaction of knowing they

supplied the drugs to the countries who did.

Which is enough to make one proud to be Dutch!

30. Any words on the Dutch cuisine?

Just one: RUN!

Dutch cuisine consists mainly of some form of organic matter deep fried in any vegetable or mineral oil close at hand.

A "Nederlands restaurant" is a 'contradictio in terminus'.

A nice example of Dutch cuisine is the "kroket".

(pronounced as "crow-cat)

It is shaped as the droppings of a -now mercifully extinct- kind of water buffalo, it is crunchy on the outside and soft(ish) on the inside.

The taste is most often described as "Gnaaaah" or "Please, please, make it stop...make it stop!!".

The kroket is known for its high mineral content even though the makers specifically insist that their product "does not contain any Argentinean horsemeat!".The kroket is the subject of quite a few Dutch urban legends.

31. What is "gedoogbeleid"?

The short answer is: The opposite of zero-tolerance policy.

But there is more to it.

In the Netherlands the best known form of "gedoogbeleid" is the policy on soft drugs.

Possession of more than 5 grams of hasj or marihuana is forbidden by law but -get this- the police won't act against trade in these illegal substances as long as it is done inside a coffee shop.

There is a misconception that the Dutch police do this because they are not capable enough to stop the trade.

Yeah...right.

Not so, there is one and only one very good reason for this gedoogbeleid:

Coffee shops pay taxes and illegal traders don't.

Again?

ok: Yes you read correctly, the coffee shops pay taxes.

And so, the coffee shop owners take care of business like illegal trade and unruly customers, the local shop owners get lots of income from tourists and the government gets loads of free money.

Now compare this to zero tolerance policy with lots of expensive prisons and look at the bright smiles on the faces of the Dutch people.

32. I have been invited to a Dutch birthday party. What do I do? *
* Original idea and text by Julie Cunnigham, now an honorary Dutchman.

** Additions made by Ronete Cohen, a veteran of many Dutch birthday parties

You poor thing...
A Dutch birthday party has once been described as "A place in hell where the Dutch wait for it to freeze over and start an "Elfstedentocht". (on which more later)
Dutch birthday parties are not to be enjoyed and are in some civilized countries outlawed as a cruel form of mental torture.

First it is customary upon entering -and be on time or suffer the consequenses- to present your gift and then congratulate everyone present including all and every stranger, the family, neighbours, the cat and the goldfish.
Choose your seat carefully, you'll be in it all evening.
After taking a seat you may want to mentaly withdraw from reality and go to that special place in your mind that you reserve for making very, very bad experiences a bit less traumatic.
The rest of the evening you'll sit, talk, sit some more and talk.
Conversation will range from the cost of living to erm.. well, thats it.

** The food served: coffee with a bit of pastry, followed by one (1) piece of sausage or cheese, served on a plate that you help pass around. For the more adventurous there is that famous delicacy called a toastje: a dried piece of cardboard with a blob of sweepings from the bottom of a hamster cage, covered in a thin mayonnaise sauce.

Caution: Your toastje will shatter in a milion pieces as soon as you bite into it, spraying the droppings, sauce and cardboard bits all over your lap. (enter: the cat)

There is a safe way to know if it is ok to leave the birthday party.
Once your brain starts dribbling out of your ears it is time to go.
Again, shake hands with the host, the strangers, family, neighbors, cat and goldfish.
Tell everyone how much you have enjoyed yourself and what a wonderful time you have had.
Now leave and head for the nearest coffeeshop for something to easy the itch behind your eyes.

Once having been part of a Dutch birthday party, you have now earned the right to carry a flag in any veterans day parade worldwide.

33. What is this "Elfstedentocht" then?

The Elfstedentocht, or 'Eleven city tour', is held only if the weather is as cold as a politicians heart.

The tour is about 200 km (120 miles) long and is done on ice skates by lots and lots of Dutch who are looking for interesting ways to get a heartattack.

The winner of this event is the first amateur skater to cross the finishline alive.
During the elfstedentocht, the Netherlands are closed for the day.
Everyone not participating can be found in front of the television or freezing his extremities off while slowly getting drunk, watching the skaters go by in various states of deterioration.
In recent years, global warming has been a real pain in the erm..Elfstedentocht.

34. My Dutch host insists that I try "Nieuwe Haring". What is that?*
* original idea and text by Ella Paets, now an honorary Dutchman

You are in for a treat.

The noble art of "Haringkaken" is a Dutch invention made in 1350 AD

It means that freshly cought young Herring from the northern seas are gutted with a special knife and then lightly salted.

Nieuwe Haring is bought at street vendor stalls and is best eaten right on the spot.

Hold your Nieuwe Haring, sprinkled with raw onions, by the fishtail between thumb and index finger.

Put your head back as if howling to the moon.

Sometimes, foreigners actually do howl at this point for reasons that will become clear in a second.**

Now slowly lower your Nieuwe Haring in your mouth and chew.

Repeat this until you reach the tail.

The taste is delicate and smooth and a real treat if you can overcome your distaste for sprinkled onions.

** The howling usually starts at the moment, foreigners realize that the fish they are about to eat is completely raw.

35. Sinterklaas? Ah, you mean Santa Claus!

Well, no.

Just like a few other Dutch inventions like fire, domestication of elephants and the wheel, Sinterklaas was stolen by foreigners and adapted for local culture.

The bishop Sinterklaas is a nice bloke who leaves presents to nice children by dropping them (the presents, not the children) through the chimney in their shoe in the night of 5 to 6 december.

Bad children get nothing.

Mind you, somehow nowadays there are no bad children anymore.

As early as the 15th century is was customary for poor people to leave a shoe in church that -hopefully- got filled up by the not-so-poor with all kinds of niceties. That happened on the nameday of Saint Nicolas of Myra, hence the name Sinterklaas.

Sinterklaas has a helper called Zwarte Piet (Black Pete) a pitch black jolly bugger who does all the really hard work.

The general belief by historians -who only rarely find presents in their shoe- is that Zwarte Piet originates from Italian chimney sweeps and that he represents the devil, conquered by- and made to work for- good.

In 1824, the reprint of a poem by an immigrant Dutch professor about Sinterklaas in an American magazine got very populair and in 1931 Santa Claus got hijacked for the Cola company by an artist called Haddon Sundblom.

Being the purists that we Dutch are, In the Netherlands, Sinterklaas is still celebrated each year on 5 december.

DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER!

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Well, that's it, you've made it all the way to the end.
Congratulations! Have a tulip.

I hope you had a bit of fun along the way.

If you wish to contribute to "How to treat the Dutch", please visit the

contact page and/or guestbook on this website.

Photo's on this page:

Item	Picture	source

3	Drop	Elizabeth	email
4	Klomp	wikipedia user Rasbak	website
7	Molen	wikipedia user Ivory	website
10	Euro	wikipedia user Jan Arkesteijn	website
12	belediging	Carl Koppeschaar, Astronet	website
16	Patatje met	Fok forum user Karina	website
18	fries	Wikipedia user GeeKaa	website
23	Kerk	Nico Laagland Winder Blog	website
27	Vis	Rene Karperpagina	website
30	kroket	wikipedia user Piero	website
32	koffie	wikipedia	website
35	Sinterklaas	wikipedia	website